I’m not sure what’s in the drinking water but of late a few of my GFs (girlfriends) have been burning up their phone minutes, discussing an age-old problem: The loss of their identities under the shadows of their boyfriends, partners or spouses.
“How did it ever get this bad”, they ask in shock? “How could things have turned out so terribly wrong”, they wonder? I am, by no means, a relationship expert or pretend to be but I suspect that what ails these relationships may have something to do with a bit of false advertising. In other words, he thought he was getting his dream gal but one day he woke up next to a complete stranger. The poor guy never knew what hit him.
At this juncture my GFs would vehemently deny that this is the problem. They would argue that I am truly soused but, seriously, there is no denying the gravity of the situation. Really ladies, let’s take a look at the sordid details, shall we? When you first met him, how did you describe yourself? You were all aflutter with glee. Loopy actually, that you had finally roped a man who was your intellectual equal, cultured, potty trained and completely civilized without a trace of caveman tendencies. Naturally, you were quick to pour the champagne because the race was on to make sure you kept your sweetness happy. You then, unwittingly, perpetuated the slow demise of this relationship by putting together a false image of who you really are. How you presented yourself to him may have looked something like this:
1. Behave like a woman who never has any plans except for the ones that involve him
2. Conveniently forget that you ever had any hobbies and start incorporating his
3. Take care of his EVERY need as though you were his mother
4. Pretend to be in heat at every hour of the day and act as though you have secrets that courtesans around the world would kill for
5. Morph into this super domestic goddess who bakes, cooks and cleans house in under 2.3 seconds flat (we all know that you cringe at the thought of being IN the kitchen and let’s not even discuss the fact that you quake at the very idea of having to deal with dust bunnies) and;
6. Quell any growing aspirations or dreams you’ve ever had so that you can fit nicely into his world.
Now, fast forward to a year later in which you now find yourself miserable and so does he. Why? Because you’ve smothered down the very essence of who you are as a person so that you can fit into some preconceived notion you think he has about what makes the perfect woman. In addition to that, he was never privy to the fact that you had certain aspirations and now, after all this time, you want to spread your wings and be free to explore your untapped well of creativity. The poor guy is left scratching his head, wondering what happened to his extremely devoted and attentive sweetie. He feels emotionally naked because you have now decided that the world no longer revolves around him. He is left feeling like your sidekick. So, what does that mean for this relationship? Well, it doesn’t necessarily mean that you are headed for Splitsville. There are a myriad of resources that can help the two of you find your way. But here is a really great lesson for all the single ladies. Be candid and upfront about who you are and what you desire out of life. For your sake AND his! There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to take care of your partner but not at the extreme risk of losing your soul, and stepping on his, in the process.